Sometimes, silence is violent
Sometimes, late at night, when you’re just laying in your bed with your lights off and you’re trying to fall asleep; that’s when you do the most thinking. This thinking can sometimes be dangerous. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because the lights are off, so it’s kind of like reality doesn’t really exist anymore. So we think things that we shouldn’t, scare ourselves with ideas that we know are preposterous, but seem logical in this state that feels like the absence of reality. But this state can also be a very good thing. We can figure out problems, make important decisions, figure out life, etc. It’s times like these, when I’m alone with my thoughts, that I make myself feel not wanted, not good enough, blessed, lonely, loved, insignificant, hopeful, regretful, reminiscent; all of those things, but to a deeper degree, because I’m alone with my thoughts, just talking to myself, and so I’m able to think about these things 10 times more. No matter what I was thinking about, though, it always put my mind at ease. Now that I’m in college, this doesn’t really happen much anymore, because I know that there are 4 other people in my room with me, and even though they can’t hear my thoughts, it’s somehow not the same as being alone in my room at home. I miss that feeling. It made me remember what it was like to feel; that I still could feel so deeply. That is why I miss it; because even though I love the company of my roommates, nothing compares to the comfort of being completely alone with your thoughts.
Today when I was out at a restaurant with Alisha, there was a waiter there that said, and I quote “Hey, you’re that girl that I kind of know but not really.” and at first, I had no idea who he was and what he was talking about, but then I realized that I saw him working at the movie theater on sunday. That was the only time before that that I had seen him and we didn’t even talk to each other. And then at the end of our meal when we were paying for our food, that guy came over to us and just started dancing. And dancing. And dancing. I’m pretty sure that he was trying to hit on us a little. But it felt good. It felt good to have a guy notice me. It makes me feel beautiful. I was praying the other day and I was telling God how I just felt ugly because no guys ever notice me or anything and a guys has never called me beautiful before. The next day when I was at a friend’s youthgroup at her church, her youth pastor was telling us girls that we were beautiful and that were are precious to God, and I just felt like that came straight from God himself. Lately, God has just been showing me that he hears my prayers and he cares about me. And I feel like He’s just been saying, “Never underestimate me and my love for you and the rest of my children. Never.”
You know how you feel sometimes when you think about life? Nothing really specific, just life in general. And you don’t really feel happy or sad or mad or anything, you just feel like feeling. Or maybe it’s that I feel nothing. Or everything. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I know that I want to keep feeling it. I just want to keep feeling life. It just feels so good to just feel…..okay.
My friend Justina was 4 years older than me when she was a sophomore in college. She was in my youth group at church, but I only got to see her on occasion because apparently my church basically forced her family to leave (her dad was the pastor). But that’s a whole different story. She came and visited us on our missions trip on the last two days and she tried to tell us to go to sleep instead of stay up and talk like we had during the previous night that she wasn’t there. And it was very reasonable of her to say that. But I didn’t like her telling us what to do, so I came up with more reasons why I didn’t like her and gave her some nasty looks. a few months later, I saw her at a concert and she asked me to hang out with her, but I was still angry at her from missions trip, so I made up an excuse not to. I felt bad, but i figured that I would hang out with her the next time that I would see her. Then she died in a car accident about two weeks later. her parents read her journals and apparently, she was lonely. She was praying that God would send someone to be her friend. She felt unwanted. I feel like I was supposed to be that person that GOd sent to be her friend. I know that there is nothing that I could do to keep her from dying, but I could have been her friend so that she could have at least died happy. There is nothing that I can do now to fix that now, but I regret the way i treated her every day. It has been eating away at me. It’s almost two years later, and I still feel terrible. I don’t know how to not feel terrible. All she ever was was a friend to me, and I was mean to her when she needed a friend the most. I screwed up, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it.
I so desperately want a boyfriend. I just really want to be in love and know what it’s like to get kissed. I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but I’ve never stopped wanting one. I also really really want to have kids right now. I just have a deep desire to be pregnant and have something living in me that is completely %100 dependent on me. All I want to do is be a stay at home mom. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t go to college at all. Instead, I would just find a nice guy and get married to him and then start popping out babies and then when they were all grown up, I’d be a missionary with my husband. I just want a guy to want to date me. Is it too much to ask for to be wanted by a guy? You know how in movies when a guy get really nervous around a girl that he likes and he’s afraid that he’ll say something stupid or be clumsy and that the girl won’t like him? I wish that just one guy would be like that with me, even a little. Well, I guess I’ll just have to trust my future to God. I know that he has something great in store for me, even if it’s not what I want. God, help me to be happy with what you have given me and not to covet things that I don’t have. Help me to always trust you. And thanks for always loving me and sticking with me despite my selfishness.
but aren’t we all just wolves in sheeps clothing? but my costume is so clean! I finally tucked my little claws inside of my little feet and I am standing so proud and so haughty.
This girl is my bestest best friend! I feel like no one knows me until they at least know who my best friend is. There is no one that even comes close to her. We are like Johnathon and David in the Bible. I feel like our souls are knit together. I just thought that the world should know that I love her to death